Phase Frame

How to thrive as a man.

The Friendship Paradox

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I’m one of those people who thinks that a man can’t “just be friends” with a woman that he’s attracted to. Not in the same way he can be friends with a woman he’s not attracted to. With a woman you’re not attracted to, you feel free to be yourself. You don’t feel the force of the ancient mating ritual. You’re just enjoying each other’s presence in a pure, noble, platonic kind of way.

With a woman that you are attracted to, there’s an internal force that’s driving you to do whatever needs to be done to procreate with that woman. And as much as you mentally fight that force, it will be there so long as you are attracted to her. And so long as you are not procreating with her, you will feel a sense of dissatisfaction and possibly even bitterness (if you’ve invested much time in her)

We all know this. But there’s a bit of a paradox here.

Attractive women want to feel normal. They don’t want to just be a pair of boobs and a hot ass.

They want interactions to be pure and innocent and fun. Not wrapped up in the little lies and peacocking that are such a deeply ingrained part of the mating ritual. Despite every instinct in your body, you have to give her the illusion that you’re not overwhelmed with her beauty.

The most attractive guy for an attractive woman is going to be the one who doesn’t put her up on a beauty pedestal or outwardly treat her as the hot thing she is. I mean, she wants that eventually, in privacy. But not when she’s first meeting you.

She wants you to make her feel good by making her feel normal and light and fun. The last thing she wants to be to you is eye candy (assuming she’s hot… less attractive women who don’t get much attention may respond better to flattery from the outset).

Of course she needs to demonstrate her value and show her physical assets to all potential mates and she will. But she doesn’t want to believe that that’s the reason you’re into her. She wants to believe she has more to offer. And she wants to believe that you’re “better” than the other guys in so far as you aren’t paralyzed and stupefied by her beauty (at least not outwardly!).

Here are a few rules on avoiding friendship as you try to enter into a relationship:

1. Be the initiator – invite her to join you in something you’re planning to do with or without her
2. Give yourself 30 days – either push things into a romance or get rid of her completely. Don’t hover in a “friendship” where you’ll feel anguish..
3. Avoid becoming just another “friend” by remaining scarce
4. Make her feel “normal” without becoming her “friend” – she should be feeling compelled to prove herself to you. That’s not something friends do.
5. Don’t tell her that she’s beautiful or hot unless she’s already naked – she’s heard that too often from others
6. Keep your texting and phone calling to a minimum. Don’t obsess.
7. Don’t be transparent with her. Don’t confess things to her. Don’t tell her you love her.
8. Show her that she can’t manipulate you. If she flakes, laugh it off and move on with your life. But let her feel consequences if she wants a second chance.

Written by James

March 30, 2012 at 8:13 pm

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