My Best Friend’s Wife
They married young. Around 19. Had their first child at 21.
They’re approaching 30 now.
About a year ago she started dealing with heavy depression. Then started creating turmoil in their relationship, making innuendo to the idea that she didn’t love him anymore. They had 3 kids.
My best friend is probably the most principled man I know. Not in a stuffy, rigid kind of way. He’s not controlling at all. He’s just very admirable as a man. He could have most any woman he wanted (smart as hell, funny, physically attractive), and yet has been 100% faithful to his wife. And guys… he only eats meat when he kills and prepares it. You don’t make this shit up. He’s remarkable. (I know, I’m gushing my man crush here).
Earlier this year the two of them separated. She took off her wedding ring. He decided he was not in a hurry to go exploring and left his on (I’m telling you… he’s a better man than me).
After a week of separation, they ended up going to a week long couple’s therapy. It was determined that a lot of the problems were communication issues and negative behavioral patterns that had gotten ingrained in their relationship (easy to do when you get married young). They decided to get back together and try to work things out.
But she was still dealing with depression. Still cold and numb. Still just not “feeling it”
So she ran off and made out with her doctor. They didn’t have sex, but did get intimate. My best friend had no idea. But his wife came to him and confessed it. She’d crossed the line. Here’s the message he sent me the next day:
The first day of my new life
Sarah told me yesterday that she secretly went out with her doctor last week and that things got physical (but not sexual). She was fully aware of what she was doing and that it would change everything with respect to our marriage. And although she’s not planning on pursuing a relationship with this guy, she’s definitely done with me. So, that’s that. (Well, except for the minor details that we have 3 kids, a mortgage, and almost 12 years of shared intimacy together).
Then something crazy happened. I few weeks later I wrote to my friend asking “how are things going?” to which he responded:
Pretty unbelievable since the last message I sent you. It’s a long, long story, but Sarah and I are still together and trying to work through things. She realized some things about us and herself through all of this and decided she wanted to put her ring back on and be my wife for the rest of her life. I couldn’t say no, and so we’re in counseling together, and I confronted the guy who she had the affair with a couple of days ago (her “holistic health” doctor who also happens to be 20 years her senior and fully aware at the time that she was seriously depressed and going through significant marital difficulties). The confrontation was pretty amazing. I’ll have to tell you about it sometime. In addition to seriously reconsidering everything about who he thought he was, the guy sent me a reimbursement check for every penny I paid into his office and the gas money for the drive to the lake he took with my wife in our SUV. It helps that he knows I’ve done my research and is scared shitless I’m going to file an official complaint against his license to practice, which would likely be revoked. It helps me to know I’m not the only guy losing sleep over all this.
These are the balls of a guy who knows what he wants. The rare guy I can admire for integrity and strength of character. Some would criticize him and say that he should just leave her. Walk away for good. But these are the sort of guys who don’t know the value of a long term relationship. The value of a 12 year marriage. These are the guys who fuck and run. Or just jerk off to porn all day. Who have no intimacy. Who will look back on their lives and see nothing but a long series of nobody’s – girls they used for a quick fix.
You see, my friend is a man. He is not easily defeated. And yet he’s not going to put up with shit either. He’s telling his wife: we can do this, but we’ve got a lot of hard work to do, together. He’s being a leader. He’s setting expectations. He’s recognizing that the world is not perfect and that a strong man doesn’t give up when the going gets tough. He’s a guy who’s not too prideful to throw away a 12 year marriage, but not too weak to just let things be. He’s saying: of course, I love you baby, I hate what you’ve done, but I’m not throwing this out. Let’s fight for it.
He then proceeded to confront the motherfucker who manipulated his wife, without resorting to violence. That takes real balls. And a brilliant mind. I admire the man.
This is admirable and not easy by any means. I can relate since I’m facing a similar situation. My wife and I married when we were 20, 5 years into the marriage she had to move up north (Philly) because of her job. I had to stay in Florida and finish my Engineering degree (couldn’t transfer). A long distance relationship is hard, a long distance marriage is even harder. Communication began to be a problem between the two of us and we haven’t really recovered. I’ve been 100% faithful to her yet she’s had a slip up similar to your best friend’s wife. Nothing sexual happened but she did kiss another man and became very attracted to him. I found out only because I went through her Facebook and read a message regarding the incident. We tried to work through it for 8 months. We went on that rollercoaster situation when we had really good weeks followed by really bad weeks and so on. Finally 3 weeks ago SHE asked for a separation. Now that I’ve had time to reflect without being so emotionally drained I realized the mistakes I made:
- I cried at least 3 times in front of her throughout the 8 month period. I loved her but I was hurt by the betrayal, it made me emotional but worst of all it made me weak in her eyes. Inevitably she lost respect for me.
- I was wiling to give up everything to move back with her and work on the marriage. This sounds like the obvious thing to do in my situation (or so I thought) but it put more pressure on her and she couldn’t assimilate me wiling to give everything up and her not willing to do the same.
- I got too comfortable. I never saw this coming and I thought that because she was so in love with me that no one would ever be able to step in at a moments notice and make her feel something I couldn’t make her feel. No matter how many years you’re in a relationship you have to constantly keep it fresh and exciting (learned that from Phase Frame!)
We are still separated but fortunately we embarked on this separation very maturely. We love each other and want whats best for one another. Currently she can’t give me what I want and I can’t give her what she needs so in my opinion this is the best decision for us. It scares me that we won’t get back together in the future but this is what she wants and I’ve done everything to try to make our marriage work. Hopefully my wife will have a similar realization like your best friend’s wife and we can work together in rebuilding our marriage. As of now it doesn’t seem likely though. I’m confused as what to do going forward: we had already bought plane tickets to see each other in August and September. She wants to be lovers and make the best of those encounters. Is it healthy to have sex with her and go through the emotional baggage that will come with seeing her or is it best to keep it strictly non sexual? Should I try to convince her to work on our marriage when we see each other again or should she be the one to bring that topic up? Comments and suggestions appreciated.
Joseph
July 20, 2012 at 4:09 am
Hi Joseph. I can only tell you what I would do, because I know what I want and can’t get inside your head to know what you want. At the end of the day, that’s what it comes down to: knowing what you want, knowing what’s possible, and then reacting and adapting.
To me it sounds like you need to start moving on with your life and thriving independently for a while. Also, consider that you may be co-dependent on your wife (which is not healthy). Is your wife really that remarkable? Does she admire you? Be honest with yourself about this question. And go through this checklist and see if your wife qualifies for many of these priorities: http://www.phaseframe.com/what-to-look-for-in-a-wife/ Sometimes it is very helpful to put the effort into bringing a woman in your life down to size… poking holes into the perfect image you have.
If you go through that list and she doesn’t seem to have may of the virtues I’ve listed, then you’ve just done yourself a favor and now you need to work on overcoming one-itis (the idea that your wife is special and you need her).
At this point, give her one final statement about what you want out of the marriage and what you would require of her. Make it clear, direct and straight to the point. Get her to make a decision one way or another that gives you clarity as to whether she is the person you want to be in a long term relationship with. Most importantly, when stating what you want, don’t make it conditional on what she wants. Don’t try to get her to want what you want by softening your requests. And don’t be a pushover. Be firm. For yourself, and because women respect firmness.
My best friend did this with his wife. He told her look, I want to make this to work, but these are the conditions: X, Y, Z. Otherwise, it’s time to move on. And he was ready to move on. Are you ready to move on? Are you ready for her to say she doesn’t want the marriage anymore?
Life is full of seasons and sometimes you have to move on.
This is what I would do if your wife shows no interest in working with you:
1) Imagine what you want out of life independent of her
2) Start enjoying the process of becoming a better man
3) Make sure you have some hobbies
4) Make sure you have a group of guy friends that you can get together with weekly
At first, it can be painful. But if you have a good social network of friends to keep you occupied, and you start pursuing a vision for the next phase of your life, the pain will subside rather quickly.
As to your question about being sexual with her, here’s what I would do. If she’s hot, and you’re not able to get sex elsewhere, then yeah, I’d try to have emotionally detached sex with her. Hard, fast, aggressive. Not because of some mystical “I’m in love with you” feeling, but because you’re a male human being and sex is healthy both physically and mentally. All the science shows this. So if she just becomes your temporary outlet for sex, I’d use her that way and feel no qualms about it.
If you do have sex with her, and you do it in this context, the key is to think of the sex in the same way you think of food: a biological necessity with no strings attached. Don’t have expectations of her.
Anyway, it all comes down to this: know what you want, give it your best shot, don’t be a pushover, and have a backup plan for your new life. It may feel like the end of the world, but it may be a great opportunity for you to grow and strengthen as a man, work on your confidence, play the field a bit, and then be very, very intentional before ever getting married again.
James
July 20, 2012 at 5:58 pm