Phase Frame

Alessandra sent me her latest piece for PhaseFrame. I don’t have time to tear it apart with the holidays approaching, but I encourage you all to help me out in the comment section. Alessandra usually has great insights into the female mind, but she also tends to see relationships from a female-centric perspective, which is the wrong frame for guys. While it’s important to understand the way women work, it’s also important not to cater your life to them.

A woman’s desire is like a fire. You feed it air and kindle, it burns brightly for a good long time. You smother it with rain and wind, it can quickly be extinguished. There are a number of things that men do that drive a woman absolutely out of her mind and completely thrashes the very attraction which feeds your relationship. If you want to snuff a woman’s desire for you completely out, apply What Drives A Woman Crazy In A Bad Way.

1. Talking about former relationships
Though we all have a past, no good comes from revisiting the past. Ever. It’s behind you for a reason so when you’re out with a new girl, don’t bring up your ex-girlfriend who cheated on you, the wife you left, or the girl you were engaged to in college. We don’t need to know. We don’t want to know. We all have had relationships that didn’t work. The trick is to turn within ourselves to source out why past relationships didn’t work to ensure we don’t repeat the same mistakes in our future.

2. Bad Hygiene
To be blunt, men stink (at times). It happens but your lady doesn’t need the evidence permanently attached to her olfactory memory (which hold fast longer and harder than any moments her mind can recall). Rather than attach yourself or body parts to the dangerous “ewwww zone” of a woman’s memory, do what you can to eliminate bad breath, body odor, and other less than pleasant aspects of your existence. The rewards will be great. Trust me.

3. Being Controlling
Women want you to captain the ship or plane that your relationship sails on, not dictate. A true commander rules by earning respect, offering protection, and acting with authority. A tyrant rules with tools of manipulation, control, and intimidation. Attempting to police your woman’s every word, hour, and action will only drive your relationship straight into the ground. When you surrender to things beyond your control, you are better able to accept the innate wisdom which stems from every experience.

4. Withholding Sex
It’s commonly believed that a man’s sexual drive is far greater than a woman’s but that’s somewhat untrue. Women are biologically programmed to be sensitive to their environments and react contextually to social and cultural influences. Men are programmed to mate with the woman (or in most cases, women) they find most desirable. When sex is withheld for any reason, the result is an imbalance to the natural order of our biological makeup and damaging effects on relationships. When sex is withheld by a man, it makes a woman feel he is on power trip, trying to punish her, or even worse, he’s cheating….

5. Cheating
How you feel about fooling around on your partner is your business. Gentlemen with integrity know that if they swim in the muddy waters of infidelity, they’d best not get caught. What they may not know is the woman knows on a subconscious level (and all of the way to her soul) without your confession. Cheating and the desire to cheat signifies that there are problems in the relationship that need to be addressed. Worst of all, cheating destroys trust and robs the very foundational block upon which much of a relationship is built. Better to recognize when the desire for your partner is gone and realize it’s time to move on.

6. Ineptitude
When a man has little or no real world skills, it makes a woman nuts. Men who know how to do things, are seen as competent. And massively appealing in comparison to the ones who don’t. Men who do manly things, from hunting to fishing to building or even making music, are perceived as though there is not one inept bone in their bodies. Do something with your time that you love and shows you know how to get the job done. It’s a mutual reward because it builds not only your own confidence but the strength of your relationships.

7. Lying
“Thou shall not lie” is not only one of the Ten Commandments but is also a pillar of dignity to live your life by. Though we all have our own ethical compass, it’s guaranteed that unless you have a really fantastic memory, you’re going to get caught if your tongue slips even a sliver of a mistruth. If you have to lie about something you’re going to do, chances are it’s not worth doing. If you have to enlist others in manifesting the lie, it’s calling in favors you will never be able to repay. Misleading anyone brings you further away from your true self. Being honest with others involves being honest with yourself. Plus lying leaves others feeling like they weren’t worthy of the truth and chips away at a relationship.

8. Flaking
Don’t tell her you will when you won’t. Chances are you want to spend time alone. Or with the guys. Or visiting your family. Even if your girl wants you to spend time with her, you need to maintain relationships beyond your romantic ones. So rather than lift your girl’s expectations with an uncertain “Maybe I’ll see you after I have a beer with [insert your friends],” just tell her when you’ll see her and stick to it. That way no one is let down.

9. Jealousy
The green eyed monster that devours relationships in either small bites or one big gulp is jealousy. Men who are secure in themselves are most attractive to women. Where thoughts go, energy goes. The most beautiful girlfriends (and wives) can leave even confident men feeling jealous, paranoid, and suspicious. This opens the door to a hotbed of emotion which quickly burns these women straight out of their arms. If you experience jealousy, it’s time to evaluate your own attitude and behaviors to identify why you feel threatened. Build yourself up, know what you’re worth, and know that even if your woman is friendly to other men, they’ll never replace you in her heart.

10. Laziness
Our society would not have evolved without the hard work and determination of our ancestors. Same goes for your relationships. It takes a whole lot of blood, sweat, and tears to build anything substantial. If you just don’t want a relationship and offer a girl: “I’m not really looking for a relationship right now but I love hanging out with you,” it eventually translates to “I don’t mind using you until I find the girl I really want.” Nobody wants to be dangled on a string. Reel her in or let her go.