Archive for the ‘Sexuality’ Category
Every once in a while old memories of past relationships resurface out of the blue and this past week I was thinking about a relationship I had in my mid-20s with a younger girl who told me she had a sexual desire to slap me in the face.
I told her “If you were to do that to me, I’d spank the shit out of your ass. We’re not talking light. I’m going to inflict some real pain. So think about it before going off half-cocked.”
Probably the 6th or 7th sexual encounter with her, she was on top and she just hauled off and slapped me across the face. I proceeded to reach up and grab her throat with one hand and the back of her hair with another hand, turned her over, shoved her face into the bed, kept one hand pressing down on her neck and spanked the hell out of her ass. I told her to never do that again.
A few weeks later, she did it again. This time I grabbed her neck and slapped her across the face 10x harder than she slapped me while asking her “Did you hear what I said?” Then I bent her over and spanked her twice as hard and twice as long.
It didn’t work. For the rest of that relationship, she would periodically initiate this violence. And I would always respond harder and more violently than the time before. She was seeking it out. And I was thoroughly enjoying the chance to respond by dominating her that way.
I’m not sure there’s a moral to this story other than: in a sexual relationship, always make sure you’re ultimately the one in control. If she tries something to dominate you… you up the ante and turn the tables.
I’ve been talking with a woman who currently has two boyfriends. She has one boyfriend who, according to her, has the perfect body (muscular, fit, healthy skin, etc.). But also according to her, his perfect body makes her feel imperfect.
Her other boyfriend is a big bear. Not super fat and overweight. Just big. 6’5′ and 260lbs. He’s a bouncer.
She says she gets two completely different sensations from being with these two different guys.
Mr. Perfect Body is hard to pin down. Mysterious. Unwilling to make commitments. He has unlimited options. And yet he’s chosen to spend some of his limited time with her. That makes her feel special, but undeserving. He fucks her like it’s the end of the world, goes for marathon sessions, leaves her bruised and makes her melt in an “overwhelmed with his goodness” kind of way. He pulls her hair. He manhandles her. He excites her. He directs the show. She fully submits. Ultimately, he haunts her. But he also makes her feel insecure about herself.
Mr. Bouncer makes her feel safe and secure and protected by a big, strong man. She loves being in his arms, wrapped up by a big teddy bear. He also makes her feel hot, because compared to his imperfect body (it’s important to note that his body does not evoke disgust in her… that is critical) she knows she’s got a smokin’ body. With Mr. Bouncer, sex is all about him lying on his back and her pleasing him, taking care of him. She has a lot of control over that relationship both physically and emotionally because she knows that he values her in a way that Mr. Perfect Body does not, and that makes her feel special.
So here you have two completely different experiences that a woman is going through with two completely different men. Both give insight into the sort of men women are attracted to:
1) men who excite and dominate and flatter her by choosing her despite her not being good enough (though in this case she is a hottie to the max and doesn’t fully realize it)
2) men who make her feel safe and well taken care of, and flatter her own self-image by allowing her to feel a sense of body-image superiority
You can always understand what motivates women with two simple words: Safety and Excitement. And if you’re not giving at least one of those things to a woman, then she’s just not into you.
It happens at least once a week here at PhaseFrame. Some random woman who has been fucking her way through her 20’s and is now on the decline in her 30’s goes to the Big G and searches for information about what guys are looking for in a wife.
Inevitably, she has many of the virtues on that list. But equally as inevitably, she becomes disturbed by #24:
A good woman will not have slept with more than 2 guys (preferably none) prior to you
“Seriously?!?” “This list is odd.” “You are a woman hater you asshole.”
See what’s going on here? They hit #24 and the list loses credibility because in their world, no woman has only had sex with less than 2 guys. Especially since she’s on number 31.
So why did I include that in the list of priorities when choosing a woman to marry?
It’s pretty damn straightforward:
In women, there is a direct, scientific correlation between quantity of previous sexual experiences and a proclivity to cheat. A woman who has slept with 15 previous guys (which I would say is the baseline norm today… with the hotter women being closer to 30), is a lot more likely to screw around during ovulation than a woman who has valued modesty and restraint and conditioned herself to find self-worth in loyalty.
In other words, if the fidelity of your wife is important to you as a guy (and I would suggest that it is in all guys, unless they’ve been social conditioned out of it)… there is real value in a woman who has had fewer sexual partners… because that drastically reduces the likelihood that she will cheat on you.
The fact that there are so many women out there getting offended by this basic fact of reality is hilarious (it’s pure defensive narcissism). It’s anger at the Universe for not allowing them to have their cake and eat it too.
Ladies, you enjoyed your sexual peak. I’m sure it was bliss… most of the time. There’s nothing wrong with that. But there are real world consequences. And the fact is that any man with half a brain will enjoy your sexual peak too, and then find a more modest, younger woman to marry.
It’s nature baby.
Reader Anna asks:
Just how much does work stress affect the male libido?
Stress lessens male libido. Sometimes a lot. Physiologically, when a man is stressed out, he doesn’t feel like exerting the energy to be dominant. And psychologically, when he’s stressed, his mind may be elsewhere.
Stress also increases a desire for release. Passive release.
So, if you’ve got a genuine interest in loving a man… be willing to let him NOT have to be dominant SOMETIMES. Because being dominant is just another high energy responsibility that he, quite frankly, isn’t going to feel up to. Men are not constant superheros. They need downtime.
So sometimes, initiate the sex. Soothe him. Serve him. Let him relax.
If he’s avoiding you in high-stress times, it’s because he feels the pressure to perform… and really what he needs is the permission to let go and enjoy the show. So give him a show.
Just don’t let that become the habit. Because over the long haul, male-dominant sex will be the most deeply satisfying for everyone.
There is nothing on earth like seeing an attractive woman for the first time and getting that smile which, in all of my experience, indicates a pre-rational “i approve of your genes. let’s get it on.” attitude.
It brightens my day. Especially when it comes from a 20 year old college girl hottie.
Today, I am thankful for the smiles of 20 year old college girls.
Cheers to the creator of such things.
Here’s a little riddle for the PhaseFrame readership that’ll test your reasoning about the human mating ritual:
What time and day of the week do you suppose you will find the largest concentration of skinny little college girls working the ellipticals and treadmills at the college gym? And more importantly… why?
My partner and I have a date tonight and we’re doing something we haven’t done in over a decade together. Playing some racquetball. Then showering. Then going out to dinner. Then going to the local college tavern for drinks.
This was a common date pattern for her and I oh, say, 12 years ago. And for whatever reason (…life…) we got out of the pattern. But we both used to love it. And I was thinking fondly about it the other day and was just like … hell, that doesn’t need to just be a memory.
So we’re both looking forward to going out on an old school racquetball date tonight. And who knows… there might be some surprises thrown in along the way;)
Reader Tee asks:
“Why do men only want to have sex when they want to have it and not when the woman wants it or sometimes want to get on top or engage in the sexual activity.”
Hi Tee. I’m not 100% sure I understand the last part of your question, but let me do my best to address it.
First, the easy part: “Why do men only want to have sex when they want to have it and not when the woman wants it”
There are many reasons that men don’t want to have sex, so let me list a few:
2) High stress
3) Low testosterone
4) Pressure to perform
6) Not feeling admired/respected
7) Feels mechanical
If you want to get a man amped up for sex, it’s pretty simple (assuming you’ve got something attractive to offer with your body and/or personality). Minimize the 7 things on that list and then flirt/seduce. Catch him at a high-energy time of day. Help him get relaxed (preferably without booze). Encourage him to be active. Let him know that he’s more than good enough. Create an exciting context for sex. Let him know that you admire him. Be creative. Change things up.
Sometimes, life gives us the raw deal and there are going to be days when a man just isn’t up for sex. But that should be the exception, not the rule. If most days a man doesn’t feel like having sex, then that’s a sign that something is fundamentally wrong and his life is in need of rejuvenation.
So let’s address the second part of the question: “or sometimes want to get on top or engage in the sexual activity.”
I’m not sure if you’re asking “why don’t men sometimes get on top or engage in sexual activity” or “why do men have a problem with women getting on top and engaging in sexual activity” – both of these are potential issues. So I’ll address both in the hope of answering your question.
A) “why don’t men sometimes get on top or engage in sexual activity”
Many men are overstressed and out of shape. They want sex to be a release. Getting on top and dominating is another form of responsibility. And it takes strength. Most men these days are not in shape and get exhausted from being on top. The key: men will get on top and engage in sexual activity a whole lot more if they are active, fit men with low stress.
B) “why do men have a problem with women getting on top and engaging in sexual activity”
I don’t know any men who have a problem with this. I love when a woman engages in sexual activity. In fact, based on my conversations with other men, most guys wish their women initiated sex more often. Guys like knowing that their women are into sex and not just going through robotic motions… so I can’t imagine a guy not being thrilled that his woman is flirting with him, unless: see the list of 7 reasons men don’t want to have sex.
In my life, the most memorable and rewarding experiences have been the times I’ve pushed myself out of my comfort zone and into an adventure. And in relationships, the same holds true. Pushing past the mundane to create a little excitement. It takes an intentional act of boldness to create good memories.
Here are some simple, cheap adventures I’ve gone on recently:
1) It’s raining. It’s been fucking raining for months. Grab her hand, look in her eyes, smile, and say “Let’s do something crazy. No shoes.” Then lead her out the door, into the rain. “Let’s dance.” Spin her around a few times and kiss passionately in the rain.
2) It’s hot as hell. You’re in a city you’ve never been in before. You’re sitting with her on a bench outside of the county courthouse. “Let’s take our shoes off and walk around the town square barefoot.”
3) You’re at a city park. There’s a white sign with all kinds of rules and regulations on it, most of which make no sense. One of them has been whited out by the town officials. But the other 29 asinine rules are still there. So you whip out your sharpie and write “No using weird or unusual words.” in the empty white space, figuring it’s just as useful to the people as the other rules.
4) It’s raining. It’s been fucking raining for months. So you go out and jump around in the puddles together.
5) It’s raining. It’s been fucking raining for months. So you go out to the local lake after dark and skinny dip.
6) You tell her that you want her to surprise you one day by standing behind the door topless, in her panties as you walk in the door.
7) You go out plant pear trees together, knowing that they won’t bear fruit for several years.
8) You garden together and then invent some insane meals using only stuff that you’ve grown (mostly)
9) Go to Victoria’s secret and have her try on some new bras with no intention of buying them. Then make out in the changing room. If you’re really bold, bend her over and go at it.
10) The Hard Marathon Fuck: 2-3 hours of on and off pounding, and she’ll have the bruises to prove it
Bonus 1: You plan to get a speeding ticket together. And you go out driving until you get it.
Bonus 2: You find a coffee shop with a couch that’s somewhat hidden from view from the customers and workers, and you make out. You’re going to get seen eventually, so plan for that. Just don’t give a shit, and you’re golden.
Bonus 3: The Day Boat Fuck: You can get away with this during the day… make sure she’s wearing a dress and have her sit on your lap
Women are, in general, less consistent than men (rationally, emotionally), largely due to the fact that their hormone levels are less consistent from day to day and week to week. This does not make women inferior to men. Just different.
Most guys can be split into these two categories (it is not uncommon for a guy to move through these categories in sequence):
1) the naive:
this type of man believes that women are the pure/innocent sex, men are the horny beasts. women can do no wrong. men get all the blame. the naive man ultimately runs in place, assuming that his primary task in life is to tame his beastly drive, and never gets to savor the sweet nectar of female bliss. in the West… this is increasingly the primary type of man.
2) the angry:
this type of man recognizes the dark truths about female inconsistencies and sexuality, and turns strongly misogynistic. his youthful ideals have been trampled on. he becomes defensive against women and society in general…. and often turns to dehumanizing women as a form of therapy (having one’s youthful ideals revealed as lies by reality can be a traumatic experience).
There’s a 3rd category that I believe is the healthiest place for a man to be:
3) the lover or reality:
this kind of man recognizes the dark truths about female inconsistencies and sexuality, but rather than turn angry, he becomes a connoisseur of female nature. not because he owes anything to society or women, but because he recognizes that when properly managed, women bring him great joy. short seasons, long seasons… he lets them happen in a spirit of light play. he understands that female nature is necessary… not a choice … a beautiful thing to be learned and appreciated and enjoyed. he understands why biology has turned out the way it has, and he takes part in the timeless dance.