Phase Frame

One of the nice things about keeping social acquaintance with lots of girls/women is that you quickly pick up on common patterns in the female psyche. More reason to keep lots of company… even if just friends (just be careful… friends can become lovers overnight and without thought unless you’re intentional about boundaries)

By interacting with multiple women:

You learn what disgusts most women. And you avoid those things.
You learn what attracts most women. And you develop those things.

Some examples:

In the last month, four different women from four different social circles have referenced the idea of a “rip your clothes off” kind of guy. That’s a pattern to take note of and remember. Women crave aggressive, attractive men. The first time I literally ripped a woman’s shirt in two down the front, she told me something like “No one’s ever done that to me before. I’m going to remember that forever.” and she had the most glowing smile on her face… she was elated… like a long-held fantasy had come true. I won’t forget that smile.

One time I was with this one particular woman for the first time and I swore that I had to have been with her before (though I hadn’t) because her mannerisms were complete deja vu. What I realized later was that what her and the other girl had in common were that they were both Southerners and had both learned to play the coy-card in the same way. The pattern: women in the south have this endearing “oh, i just can’t… but oh, my, you take my breath away and i’m weak right now” behavior. In all cases, when you see it, you pause (let her feel safe), and then you push further (excite her). She gets turned on by a man who doesn’t stop fighting.

I mentioned the other day, that women love banter. A guy who can playfully joust with a woman simply has to be physically proximate to and physically isolated with that woman to take things further. If you have her feeling good and light, what happens next is inevitable so long as you lead the way.

Women hate being asked for permission. Compare: “Can we have sex?” vs “I’m going to fuck you now.” The former turns the woman off. The latter turns the woman on. I’ve not seen an exception. The few times in my life when I made the mistake of asking for permission, relationships went to the “let’s just be friends” category very quickly. And I learned quickly. Never ask for permission. Never.

Women get turned off by having to make rational decisions about sex. I recall that almost every first time I’ve penetrated a woman, she’s entered into this sub-conscious state of mental submission… eyes closed… ready to joyfully receive what the universe had made inevitable…. it’s hard to describe but guys who’ve been with a handful of women will know what I’m talking about here. It’s a joyful resignation.

Women love guys who do socially impressive stuff. You can use Facebook to test out what women find impressive. It’s a fun social experiment. And patterns quickly emerge.

Women are attracted to guys who don’t need them. Guys who are impressive without women.

Women are disgusted by guys who are totally consumed by the woman and otherwise socially impotent.

At PhaseFrame, many of the readers are women even though the site is written as advice for men. That makes me think that there are a lot of women out there who are trying to understand men… and who want to make their relationships work. I’ve put together the following list to help women improve their marriages or long term relationships:

1) Find opportunities to admire him
Men love being admired and respected. But only if it’s genuine. Look for ways to let him know what you admire and respect about him.

2) Get fit.
Guys love a fit body. Focus on squats and lunges. But tone everything up. Make him crave your body.

3) Give him opportunities to lead you
Here’s a risky exercise in trust: suggest that for a whole month he can tell you to do one thing each day and no matter what it is, you’ll do it. You’ll both enjoy the teacher-student structure.

4) Try The Mystery Bag Sex Experiment
I described the experiment in detail here. It’s great for increasing sexual communication, trust and anticipation.

5) Encourage his dreams
All men have dreams. By our nature, we are driven to acquire and accomplish. Society does its best to squelch these dreams. But lurking in every man’s soul, they are present. Discover his dreams, and encourage them.

6) Catch a Shared Vision
Think about the next 10-20 years together. Are there things the two of you can look forward to together? Talk about these things. Work together to make them happen.

7) Tell Him You Want To See His Favorite Porn
Guys love women who are non-judgmental about porn and sexual fantasy. Give him the chance to express himself sexually to you by sharing his favorite porn. He has favorites. Trust me.

8) Brag about him to your friends
Get in the habit of admiring and respecting your partner by finding opportunities to brag about him behind his back. This will pay off in the relationship by creating a positive inner attitude.

9) Trust him with some space
Give him the time he needs to be alone. Give him the time he needs to maintain some independence. An strong, independent man who’s free to pursue his hobbbies, his friends and his dreams will be a much better partner and a much better lover.

10) Do something new and exciting together at least once a month
Take turns finding something new and exciting to do together once a month. This is different than your typical once a week “fun” which is also important. You need a once a month excitement plan in your relationship to keep it vibrant and healthy. I read a research article recently that said adding new and exciting variety to relationships is the best way to keep a relationship strong and to preserve a healthy monogamy.

Bonus: Give him reasons to turn into a wild beast of a thing in the bedroom. Be sexy. Flirt. Tempt him. Seduce him. Wear sexy clothes. Play hard to get. Wear sexy underwear. In my experience, the best sex for both partners always happens when the wild animal in the man is unleashed without abandon. Intense.

A few of my friends are in open marriages. I keep company with what are often referred to as “sophisticated” or “well-educated” people… college professors, advanced professionals, CEOs, etc. I find that these are the types of people most likely to be in open marriages.

The first point I want to make: open marriages are very high risk. Some people are more risk averse than others. Just because something is risky doesn’t mean it’s not doable. Just that the risk of failure is pretty high. The rewards for those who can navigate it may be pretty high as well.

The second point I want to make: every single person I know who’s in an open marriage went through a rough patch and had to adapt the rules to fit their personalities.

The third point I want to make: I had a relationship with a married woman who was in an open marriage. Shortly afterwards, her and her husband got divorced.

The fourth point: most people are not built for open marriages. Our primitive emotions (jealousy, a desire for security, etc.) are threatened by the context of open marriage.

The fifth point: I know many well-educated and sophisticated people who aren’t in open marriages and are happy with monogamy.

Types of Open Marriages

Most of the open marriages I’ve seen can be categorized using these four categories:

Full Transparency:
where both partners tell each other everything

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell:
both partners consent to discrete affairs that don’t intrude on family time and family life

Symmetrical Promiscuity:
where both partners in the open marriage have a relatively similar number of partners. an ideal, but rarely realized.

Asymmetrical Promiscuity:
where one of the partners in the open marriage is more active than the other. much more likely outcome than symmetrical promiscuity.

Open Marriages That Work

Historically, there are many cultures in which it was assumed that the man was free to roam as long as he did not disgrace the family. That would be an example of “Asymmetrical Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and this kind of arrangement seemed to work out for the most part.

The people I know who are in open marriages today have found that Full Transparency doesn’t work and that a transition to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell while fully honoring family responsibilities is the best model. That way there is no keeping count. And the primitive emotions aren’t constantly being tapped. As long as there is implicit consent, and discretion is taken… things seem to work out ok. But getting there appears to always involve conflict.

One further point: being in a successful open marriage requires that both partners trust each other to the nth degree. Trust each other to stay committed as primary partners. Trust each other to make smart decisions (about protection, etc.) And it also takes a culture of non-suspicion and full independence.

These things are very rare in relationships. So my advice is: don’t try an open marriage unless you’re willing to take big risks, you’re married to someone who can make smart decisions, and you’re both independently strong enough to survive the possibility of losing each other and thrive afterwards.

And here’s the final thing I’ll say: risk, in general, provides a high… a thrill. But our brains are built so that we’re never satisfied. At some point, you’ve got to draw a line on risk taking (or die at 27).

I’ve seen enough open marriages fail to say that it is very likely a bad option unless you are in extraordinary circumstances. But I’ve also seen a few open marriages produce a happy couple… so it’s not out of the question.

Here’s a video, admittedly from a movie, that shows how quickly and easily attraction can build simply through proximity and physical presence (which can communicate common interests, skills, confidence, etc… all psychological factors that are attractive to women). This is how the vast majority of my relationships have started… simple, innocent, physical interactions without words. Notice… this woman became so overwhelmed by Depp’s character that she would have have slept with him if he had decided to escalate after the second encounter (e.g. inviting her to grab some coffee). Maybe he had something more important to do. Or maybe he decided to honor the ring she was wearing. I’ve found myself in situations where I had to say no to obvious sexual opportunity. But the signs are all there. She’s fallen for the guy before he’s spoken a word.

Things that are attractive about Depp’s character:

1) he’s dressed well
2) he’s non-apologetic about standing close to her and doing what he came to do
3) he’s calm and composed
4) he makes eye contact, with a slight smile
5) he initiates non-verbal communication and an intentional connection (further eye contact, finger point and head nod)
6) slows down his movements like he’s in control of the situation (his gum chewing, his head movement, etc.)
7) he shows some passion for their shared interest as he’s listening to the music while communicating a slight vibe (bobs his head up and down like he’s enjoying it)
8) he stand his ground and then once he’s done with what he came to do, he moves on
9) when re-encountering each other, he reinforces their connection … shared choice

The guy has haunted the woman’s imaginating before speaking a single word… and he’s gotten her to start chasing him… simply by being himself, being attractive, being non-obsessively friendly and most importantly staying composed … being unphased.

A reader asks:

Is it just in porn or do women actually like to have their hair pulled during sex?

In my experience (a few dozen women), almost every woman I’ve been with has either explicitly stated that she wanted her hair pulled during sex or has expressed that she enjoyed it after the fact (for safe things like light hair pulling, I’ve never asked for permission and you shouldn’t either).

So why do women enjoy having their hair pulled during sex? For a variety of reasons. A lot of the reasons overlap with why many women have rape fantasies: women enjoy complete submission to a strong, confident, powerful man. Hair pulling gives the sense of being controlled…. which most women enjoy temporarily during sex (even if not permanently in the relationship). There is also a unique form of pleasure and stimulation that comes when you mix light pain in with the pleasure. Plus there’s the whole bad-girl psychology… hair pulling feels a bit risky and edgy.

So let’s think about this… in general, what do women like in the bedroom?

- being kissed passionately (the feeling of “the melding of body AND soul”)
- being moved around by a man (you direct the show, not her)
- being dominated from on top (almost every woman I’ve been with has preferred man-on-top sex, with occasional cowgirl/reverse cowgirl to mix things up)
- light spanking (relationship to authority + light pain)
- light hair pulling (being controlled + light pain)
- being given instructions (not having to think much… being out out of mind)
- being overcome (sex can be really enjoyable for both parties when she fights you for access, playfully)

All of this fits into a pattern: women want to be overcome, dominated and controlled by a worthy man in a safe context. That’s why women enjoy hair pulling during sex.

Watch the video. It’s an epic song sung with passion and intensity. Worth every second.

The take home lesson: every guy has to experience over-investment in a woman to learn this lesson. Some guys do this on their wedding day… forever locking into a commitment that simply isn’t worth it, because they’ve been lazy (or self-hating) and not done their due diligence.

When you overprice a woman, you destroy your chances at finding happiness with her. You put her up on a pedestal. And you throw your energy and resources at her. You chase her. Self-defeating.

Here’s the thing: no woman is worth destroying your self worth over. No woman is worth your bending over backwards to please her. No woman is worth you emptying yourself of friends and interests.

The illusion arises from the dopamine reward pathway: the anticipation of sex. Guys do crazy things to get sex. Guys will even self-deceive themselves into thinking there’s something else motivating the chase (she’s special)…

But then the sex happens, and “it really wasn’t worth it, right?”

So how do you respond to this with PhaseFrame? You treat raw animal sex as the easy commodity it is. You reject scarcity. And you keep your investments in proportion to availability.

You let the women chase you.

A new, very well-done study in PNAS confirms what all guys already know intuitively: size matters even when women say otherwise (though they say otherwise because it doesn’t matter as much as you think).

As a guy, how do you respond to this biological fact? The same way you deal with the fact that humans die. Or that some people have more facial symmetry than others. Or the fact that life isn’t fair:

You accept reality for what it is. And you focus on being the best YOU that you can be.

The good news is, size matters within a larger context. Here’s what you need to know about the study:

- Women indisputably prefer a larger flaccid penis (this study didn’t address the fact that flaccid penis size isn’t a perfect predictor of erect penis size).
- Women prefer taller men
- Women prefer men with a certain body shape: wider shoulders and narrow hips
- Proportionality matters (i.e. super tall and lanky is not attractive)

More good news: proportional, symmetrical body shape is far more important to attraction than height and penis size… combined. And to a certain degree, this is something you can control by getting fit.

So yeah, deal with it… size matters. And there are going to be plenty of guys out there with bigger dicks than you. But so what? You can still be overwhelmingly attractive. And that’s all that matters. You can still sleep with hot women and enjoy it and not ever have to deal with performance anxiety. Because you’ve got more than enough to get the job done.

At the end of the day, attraction is a multi-variable thing and penis size has very, very, very little consequence (for most guys. yes, there are going to be a very few minority of guys who have an unusually small penis that simply can’t perform it’s function well). There are far more important are things related to attraction like: confidence, achievement, intensity, lightness, physical symmetry, proportionality.

As one of my female friends put it recently: “attraction is all about the potential to meld together” and “sex is best when the melding feels the most complete” And achieving this “melding” is a lot easier with a 6 inch dick than a 12 inch one… because it’s not a distraction, but it does get the job done. You don’t want your penis to be a distraction to the larger goal of the highest form of sex: the physical and emotional melding of two people.

So remember… size matters. No doubt. But it’s a very minor factor in the overall attraction game. And one that you can safely ignore, since there’s not much you can do about it. Fitness on the other hand… take charge.

One pattern I’ve noticed in my relationships is that women prefer a black box.

In other words: women prefer the guy who gets shit done in an independent way. A guy who doesn’t have to continually ask for suggestions or input. A guy who doesn’t need direction to make things happen.

Compare: You’re going to cook your partner a nice dinner.

A) You ask her “would you like me to make you a nice dinner”? then you ask her “is there anything in particular you’d like?” then you ask her “do you know where I can find the recipe?” then you say, “sorry honey, i know this is getting annoying, but where are the measuring cups?” and then every 3-10 minutes, you get stuck and you’re like “where do you keep the baking soda?”

B) You plan ahead. You make sure you have all the ingredients several days in advance, but you keep her in the dark. She may notice that something is up, but ultimately have no clue… a little mystery, a little unpredictability. Women eat this up… her mind will start going double-speed trying to figure out what you’re up to. You leave work early on the pre-planned day, get home two hours before she does, and prepare the meal. You pour some wine. Light some candles. And when she’s home… the great unveil. She’s thrilled.

If it wasn’t clear, the second method trumps the first. The first method increasingly breeds disgust. The second method oozes with attraction. The difference is in the approach and what it conveys. The first approach says “I’m helpless (and hapless). I can’t make decisions. I’m co-dependent. I don’t care enough to put the effort in and plan in advance.” It’s screams “needy and clumsy.” The second approach says “I know what you like and I didn’t have to ask. I pay attention. I care. I can get shit done when I want to. I can make plans. I don’t need your help.” It screams “confident and capable.”

Of course, it’s important to remember that you don’t do exciting things like this ALL THE TIME. You take breaks. You allow her brain to re-sensitize.

Compare: You want to fuck your partner’s brains out and make her remember you

A) You write to her “I’ve been thinking, we should have really good sex together sometime. What are your favorite positions? Do you like lots of foreplay beforehand? Or just get straight to it? Do you like fast? Slow? Hard? Soft? Do you want me to go down on you? Do you want your orgasm first or second? Would you like me to play with your nipples or leave them alone? Do you mind if I’m a little rough?”

B) You know what you want. You know what women like in general. You pre-identify an evening where you’ll have the opportunity to do a marathon fuck. Preferably while she’s ovulating. But you don’t talk to her about it. You text her something specific but indirect “hey let’s do something exciting tonight. get dressed up and meet me at 9 out on the deck.” Have some wine poured and ready to go out on the deck. Spend some time looking at the stars together and talking a bit. When it feels right, kiss her passionately. From there on out, you’re the conductor. Now fuck her brains out.

The first option is abrasive and overstimulating and deferential. Most women will go cold to a discussion like that. The second option is confident, bold and creative. It’s exciting and attractive. It puts your partner exactly where she feels most natural: in a position of safe submission to a worthy guy.

Just make sure not to do it in the wrong direction!

In all seriousness, I’ve had some very good sexual experiences that start off with her sitting between my legs as I massage her breasts and kiss her neck. It’s something I enjoy doing from time to time. Maybe you will too.

Lots of guys out there are looking for Valentine’s Day ideas. Just like lots of guys out there look for creative marriage engagement ideas.

The worst Valentine’s Day idea is the most obvious: roses and candy and “you’re amazing sweetheart, I’ll do anything for you.”

I’d use Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to dominate her. Lightly and confidently plant seeds in her head leading up to the day so that she’s expecting *something* exciting and sexual. Anticipation goes a long way in the mind of women.

Here’s an idea off the top of my head.

Playfully tell her she’s been a bad girl lately and you’re not so sure she deserves anything special on Valentine’s Day. Tell her you might have to teach her a lesson. Leave it at that, or lightly reference it a few times leading up to Valentine’s Day.

You know her schedule best, so you’ll have to anticipate a good time to surprise her. Get some hand cuffs and put them in your back pocket. When she’s moving through the house or apartment, block her way through a door and say something like “Ma’am, I’ll need you to stop right there and turn around. Put your hands behind your back.” Grab her hands and pull them together behind her back. Pull the handcuffs out of your pocket and put them on her asking… “Do you understand what you’ve done wrong Ma’am?” Once the handcuffs are on, lead her to the bed. Bend her over the bed so that her legs are on the ground, chest is supporting her body, head is turned to the side. “You’re making this very difficult. Are you ready to cooperate?” Now pull her pants down. Then do whatever comes natural… spank her or just grab her hips and fuck her really hard. Just be in command. Be in charge.

That’s a little risky. You’ve got to set the table to make it work. And you’ve got to direct the show. But women like to be commanded. They like being directed. They like the thrill of submission. They like a good hard fuck, especially when they’re in a position of submission. It’s memorable. It’s haunting.

You don’t have to go with this idea if it doesn’t feel natural to your relationship. But the idea is pretty straightforward: lead her, thrill her, excite her… with yourself. Don’t use roses and candy as a crutch. Don’t be lazy.