Archive for the ‘Phase Frame’ Category
Many guys go through their teenage years in a fairly clueless state when it comes to girls. Many guys go through their teenage years intimidated by girls. The following advice is for the guys out there who aren’t naturals. The guys who struggle. The guys who have gotten bad information from their parents. Or from society.
Here are some tips for improving yourself and increasing your ability to attract and retain women:
1. Develop confidence (confidence is earned, so start earning it)
The more you believe in yourself for good, solid reasons, the easier it is to convey social value. Women are attracted to social value. So are employers. Plus it just feels good to go through life in a confident state.
2. Become strong and fit
Strength is great for your health but also builds inner confidence which will make it easier for you to interact with women. Turn the development of strength into a lifelong hobby. Healthy eating (paleo: meat and vegetables) will help your mind be as quick and energetic as possible.
3. Practice restraint and self-control
Limit your porn usage (try for once a week). Limit your video game playing (1 hour per day). Get yourself out of isolation and into social situations.
4. Develop a real skill or two
Developing a valuable skill will help you to develop inner confidence. Truly deserved inner confidence will make everything else in life go more smoothly.
5. Create social opportunity
Go out and be with people in lots of different situations that you enjoy. Minimize social isolation. Relationship and sexual opportunity is directly correlated with social opportunity. So get out there and start building your list of acquaintances. Camps and conferences are great ways to extend your network of acquaintances beyond your home base. The longer the list, the more opportunity: relational, employment, everything.
6. Always go younger
Honor the natural order of things. Women are attracted to older, more confident men. So make yourself older and more confident by choosing a younger woman.
7. Always go shorter
Again, honor the natural order of things. Women are attracted to men who are bigger than them. And trust me, it just feels a lot better as a man when the woman is smaller and shorter than you. Being naturally physically dominant goes a long way towards enhancing the relationship.
8. Practice maintaining eye contact with everyone
A confident person maintains eye contact. A submissive person looks away. Whether it’s the old grandmotherly lady, the man at the grocery store or the hottie who gets your blood pumping… look at them unashamedly. It’ll take some work… but eye contact is one of two primary behavioral openings for human relationships.
9. Practice your smile
Smiling is the other primary behavioral opening for human relationships. Not a cheesy smile. A confident but warm smile that draws people into you and makes you seem worth knowing.
10. Fake it till you make it
Women are attracted to guys who are experienced and guys who have options. Taking on an attitude (even a false narrative if necessary) that conveys experience and options will go a long way towards attracting women.
11. Be selective and don’t be desperate/clingy
Spend some time building a list of the sort of things you like in women. Know what you want. To the guy who’s not been with many women, this can be a catch 22 because you won’t really know what you don’t like and what you do like until you’ve experienced it. The important thing is to take the mindset of “I’m the catch, so I get to choose.”
12. You’re The Catch
Remember: she’s the one who’s lucky to be with you. If you ever find yourself feeling lucky to be with her… you’re in the wrong state of mind. You are the prize. You are the King. And she’s your plaything.
13. Be the leader
Don’t look for direction from her. You set the vibe. You set the pace. You make the decisions. You develop the plans. Of course you can take her input… but not in a hapless/pathetic way.
14. Don’t ever ask for permission (she’s waiting for you to take her on a ride)
Asking for permission is an attraction killer. If you want the kiss, go for it like you expect her to appreciate it. A slight smile on your face as you go in can hide any nervousness.
15. Stand your ground
For your sake and the sake of your relationships. Don’t be a pushover. Have some substance.
16. Learn to relax yourself through nervousness
Slow your breathing down. Loosen your muscles. Display a relaxed vibe at all times. Be unphased.
17. Don’t sweat rejection
A girl can reject you for all sorts of reasons unrelated to you (even the point she is in her cycle plays a role). She may say no to a date because she’s on her period and not feeling attractive. You never know. Don’t try to know. Just keep moving forward.
18. Know that women change their moods and attitudes throughout their cycle
Learn to love it. Don’t expect consistency. Adapt and use it to your advantage.
19. Love space
Don’t let infatuation make you clingy and possessive. Give her some intensity, and then pull back… letting her long for more.
20. Don’t sacrifice your friends and hobbies
If you ever find yourself doing this for a girl, it’s unhealthy. So stop. Get your life back together.
21. 90% you, 10% her
Girls are attracted to guys who have lives independent of them. No girl wants all your attention. She wants and needs to have time to look from a far at you doing your thing. So keep doing your thing.
22. Have options
Work on building a group of girls that would make a nice backup to your current girlfriend.
23. Dump her first
It pays to be the first to dump, assuming you’re ready to give the relationship a rest (permanent or temporary). In many cases, she becomes yours forever. Her brain locks onto you and wonders “why”
24. Don’t give up
Almost every girl I’ve ever been with put up some early resistance. Just take it as part of the relationship game, push through, keep trying… playfully.
25. Be light
Don’t take yourself or your relationships too seriously.
26. Learn how to tease
Teasing is chick crack. And it’s a subtle way of making her feel good while also making her feel like she’s got to prove herself to you in some way.
27. Be bold
Tell her what to wear. Tell her what to do. Take her on an adventure. Women love bold guys who “teach” them how to live.
28. Learn to let go without understanding
A lot of guys have trouble letting go once they’ve “won” a girl over. We are hardwired to see women as rare, prized commodoties in the mating game. However, you’ve got to untrain yourself and learn to refocus. Having other options helps a whole lot here.
29. Don’t lock on to one girl
One of my friends, in retrospect, spent his entire high school life locked onto one girl (I even remember her name… Anna). He inevitably missed out on other opportunities. Leave your options open.
30. Don’t expect exclusivity
I haven’t known a girl who didn’t cheat on a high school boyfriend. If you expect exclusivity, you need to communicate it. She most likely doesn’t think that’s a condition of the relationship for herself. My advice: assume the opposite and be physically active with several girls at once.
31. Bait and Switch
Showing interest, but not being obsessive is the key to opening the door to a relationship. One trick that’s worked well for me in the past… show more interest in one of her friends. The natural jealousy will most likely make her see you as a catch. Another trick: at parties… you can strike up a good conversation, but intentionally be the first one to leave her company and show her that you can have a good time without her. She’ll spend the rest of the party wanting you to come back… and that’s a good place to have her.
I enjoy looking at a woman and knowing that she’s not my type. She may even be hot. It builds my inner confidence to say “no thanks”
I don’t like women who are taller than me.
I don’t like ditzy, airheaded, sorority girl type women.
I don’t like women who are shopaholics
I don’t like women who expect to be entertained
I don’t like women who are constant drama (a little crazy is ok)
I don’t want a woman who’s completely plain and boring
I don’t want a woman who has no self-control
That list could go on and on. The important thing is that I’m not enamored with every woman I see. In fact, most women I see don’t do it for me. Most college girls don’t do it for me. In other, words I’m selective about the type of woman that affects me (and it’s a damn good thing to be affected… like a bull in heat).
I know what I want, and I hone in on that. I’ve trained my brain to be selective. Doing this allows me to interact with most women without the feeling of “risk” – and interacting with other women naturally has given me an edge up on interacting with the few women that do get my blood hot.
The type of women I’m attracted to:
Between 5’0″ and 5’4″
Between 90lbs and 120lbs (that way i can move her around easily)
Firm and fit
Boobs that are just slightly bigger than normal for her frame
Wears a sundress like she was born for it
Tight but undefined abs
Soft, smooth skin that my hands can slide over gracefully
Could jog a mile without dying
Up for an adventure
Likes to hike / Likes the outdoors
Loves good, local food
Doesn’t take herself too seriously
Can have a conversation
Has interesting ideas
Is relatively reliable (within the bounds of her cycle)
Can be intense
Kisses back (I’ve been with women who do not and it’s an erection killer)
Knows how to banter / put up a playful fight
Has nails to run down my back
Has good taste in panties/bra
Keeps her apartment clean
Ok. The list could go on and on. The point is… I know what I’m after with a woman. I can focus my energies. And being selective (i.e. knowing that I’m not attracted to 95% of the women I encounter) gives me the confidence to go after the ones who really get me going.
This is the sort of man I’d like to be.
Strong physically. Strong mentally. Skilled. Self-controlled. But not willing to take bullshit from little girls.
A friend of mine recently wrote and said:
I’m tired of people loving me for what I do, not for who I am.
I wrote back the following:
i would argue that that distinction is not sustainable. or that only a few rare people in the history of the world have been able to love the way you would like to be loved. it is far too high an expectation for the average human being.
i’ve thought about this a whole lot. it’s a mistake that eventually causes relationship breakdowns…. coasting mode. people not owning up to their social responsibilities. because social responsibilities are energy consuming responsibilities. most people desire low-energy states where they can go into “coast” mode and be loved without engaging in the game of social value. but this is an illusion. and it is not possible. in all social relationships, you have to stay interesting or attractive… as non-ideal as that may sound to you.
here’s a fact:
other people have nothing to go on except their perceptions. And their perception of us is built on a foundation of “what does that person have to offer me” … we all use each other… for better or worse. coming to peace with that fact was very important to me in my life’s journey. as was confronting the fact that part of my responsibility as a human being is to embrace human social dynamics and not feel resentful towards them.
A friend of a friend posted this to FB and I loved it. This boy has PhaseFrame to the extreme.
Note: Shawn is the dad. Caleb is the son.
Shawn: “How was school Caleb?”
Caleb: “It was good.”
Shawn: “Did you see your girlfriends today?”
Caleb: “Well, I already broke up with Sienna. She was pretty much a disaster.”
Shawn: “What happened?”
Caleb: “She was just always mean to me. Like, she asked me if I wanted to play sleeping beauty and I said yes but I was going to play basketball first, but then after I played basketball she said she didn’t want to play sleeping beauty with me anymore.”
Shawn: “So what did you do?”
Caleb: “I broke up with her.”
Shawn: “Did you tell her you wanted to break up?”
Caleb: “No. I just broke up with her. I don’t want be with someone that gives me a lot of trouble.”
Shawn: “I understand.”
Caleb: “Well, at least I still have six other girlfriends…”
An old lover of mine, in trying to explain that I was “the best” (which I took with a grain of salt because words are mostly meaningless) used the following metaphor::
Most other guys are the cake, Nick is the icing, and you are the candles.
I shit you not. Somehow that was supposed to be a compliment. In my mind… the cake is the substantial part, the icing makes it a little better, and the candles are just for flash.
But anyway, she tried to appease me on many occasions by explaining that I was on a whole different level than the rest of the guys in her life. Let me just stop and point out: she had lots of guys in her life, and I was happy to be one of them, because she had a 6 face with an 8-9 body.
So really, it didn’t matter much to me how I compared to the other guys in her life. As long as I got some good, intimate time with her, I was happy. At the time, I wasn’t able to be in a committed relationship anyway.
But there came a point where a whole bunch of drama and complexity entered our relationship. And this is the lesson I want to teach you all:
In her mind, I was the candles on the cake (whatever that means). All the power I had in the relationship consisted of this: take away the candles. But even if I took away the candles, she still had the icing and the cake.
For a lot of relationships, power struggles develop and people take things away (e.g. silent treatment). But the truth is, when you “take away the candles” you need to take them away not as a punishment for her. Not because you expect anything from her…. But you take away the candles because it’s what’s best for you. Because being a candle takes energy… and if the energy isn’t paying off… then you take your candles away and move on.
Moral of the story: All of your decisions should be built around this question – Does it make me a better man? Being candles on her cake… does that make me a better man? Or is it time to be candles on someone else’s cake? Perhaps, if it’s what you ultimately want… even finding someone who’ll let you be the cake, the icing and the candles all at once.
The lesson I learned was that power struggles can confuse you from focusing on the important thing: making yourself a better man.
Over the last year I’ve had more than a handful of men write to me at PhaseFrame asking me about how to handle a cheating partner/wife/girlfriend, etc.
For me it’s pretty easy:
1) know what you want in life and know what you value. if being with a woman who’s faithful to you is important, than know it. own it. know your rules. and be ready to enforce them by leaving her.
2) stick to what you value even when it means giving up something you used to value.
3) do what’s going to make you a better man... for some that might mean giving the woman a second chance. for others, that’s going to mean “see ya babe”
I’m a firm believer in letting the natural consequences of action play out. So if a woman cheats, and I’ve made it clear that that’s unacceptable, then I would say “You’ve made your choice with your actions. Now go enjoy the fruits of those choices.”
I would feel comfortable doing that because I know that I have options. Several. I don’t hide that either. My partner knows it. It’s part of my conditions for being with her… and if she doesn’t like it, she can move on… and I’ll move on too.
I don’t value any woman so much that she’s irreplaceable.
Now, you may. And you may forgive her. Give her a second chance. Or many chances.
Whatever you do… make sure you’re becoming the man you want to become… and not compromising.
A good, long-time friend taught me this mantra: actions over words.
There’s a whole lot packed in there. Here are some examples…
1) With parenting, remember, it’s what you do, not what you say, that matters.
2) When you learn to read a person’s actions as your primary form of communication, you drastically limit a person’s ability to deceive you
3) When you focus on actions over words in your own life, you drastically limit your own ability to deceive yourself
4) You’re much less likely to get led along by a girl if you focus on her actions and let her words roll off your shoulder
5) When you’re in bed with a woman, words that don’t match actions can be erection killers (i.e. a sign that she’s just going through the motions)
6) If you want to show love to anyone… your parents, your kids, your lover… action makes a much bigger impact than words. Just spending time with them in an “i’m glad to be with you” kind of way is a sign of investment that makes a big impact on people. I’ve made it a big deal to just spend time with my grandfather as he is failing in older age… even though he and I can hardly communicate through words any longer.
I was once with a girl who told me on multiple occasions that she was done with her boyfriend for good (she was sleeping with me behind her boyfriend’s back). I didn’t personally care because I was not able to be in a committed relationship with her. What pissed me off, got under my skin, etc. at the time was that she inevitably would get back together with her boyfriend despite her words (actions over words!). Like a law of nature. First it would be “just catching up” … then it would be a “let’s get together” text. Then bang. They’d be banging. Then a month later she’d be “so over him, again”
The point being: this woman had no qualms about saying one thing and doing another. Most people are like this. And the key to cutting through all the crap is to learn their patterns of action… including their words. Do their words match their actions?
Pattern of action: this is why before getting into any sort of committed relationship you need time to go through the 5 cycles of love. If you’re going to end up with a wife the only way it’s going to work out is if you’ve done your homework and learned how she acts in as many possible life situations as possible.
I highly recommend not getting married until you’ve been with someone for several years, lived with them, gone through it all. That way, if you lock up, you can be sure it’s because her pattern of action adds quality to your life, and is ultimately attractive to to you over the long haul.
I just saw the movie Silver Linings Playbook. Excellent movie. Jennifer Lawrence is hot.
What struck me about the movie was how accurately it captured the human brain’s tendency to lock onto a goal obsessively and then miss other wonderful opportunities. This is something that every man with PhaseFrame needs to overcome. Here are 7 specific things you can learn from the movie Silver Linings Playbook…
1) Women are attracted to men who thrive independently of them
The main character in the movie is obsessed with his ex-wife. Everything he does centers on re-winning her. As his therapist points out at one point… ironically, the best way to become attractive to a woman is to thrive … with other women… with fitness… with passion… with accomplishments.
2) Never limit your options to one woman
Locking your brain onto just one woman paralyzes you and, paradoxically, lessens your chances with that woman. When you’re focused on just one woman… you’re chasing her. Everything feels risky… so you’re walking on eggshells. You’re worried about losing your one option. So you’re not able to be yourself.
3) Embrace your crazy
Don’t whitewash yourself. The most attractive women to this guy are the ones who know they’re fuckin’ crazy and know they’ve got fuckin’ problems. And everything I know about women says the same: they want just enough stability to feel safe, but they want plenty of crazy to keep things exciting. You find a woman or two who’s got the right mix of sanity and crazy, and the two of you will have what it takes to keep things interesting and magnetic over the long haul.
4) Get fit
Getting fit has so many benefits, physically, mentally, etc. that you have no excuse not to do it. It should be your number one priority in life because it will enable everything else. Fitness makes you attractive. Fitness creates more mental stability. Fitness creates strength. Fitness creates confidence. Stop thinking and just do it.
5) Don’t take stupid risks
Responsible men don’t put their family’s well-being on the line for ridiculous risks. Strong men don’t bet away their families wealth. Weak men do that.
6) There’s nothing like family… so give it the time it deserves
Sitting around doing nothing… or doing family rituals… in the presence of family… is priceless.
7) Real change is possible, but not likely
Most people get stuck in habitual ruts and stay in them their entire lives. But some people do change. I’ve personally witnessed this in my best friend over the last 6-9 months. As well as my father. It’s been a wonderful thing to see unfold. But these people are the exception, not the rule. Their change was rare enough that it surprised the hell out of me. I did not expect it.
Started with 7… thought of a lot more…
Bonus: Sometimes the rules fuck you up. Sometimes the categories you use to think about your relationships will hold you back.
Bonus 2: Be honest to reality. Be able to let a woman go if all the signs are there that you’re spinning your wheels. Move on to greener pastures.
Bonus 3: Accomplishment is attractive. The main character in this movie not only gets fit, but he acquires skill throughout the movie and becomes increasingly attractive.
Bonus 4: Women are naturally attracted to men who are hard to get. In this movie… the guy is hard to get because he’s obsessive about his ex-wife. It’s pretty clear that this motivates Jennifer Lawrence to invest. And when she invests, she’s chasing him. And that’s where you want to be in a relationship.
Bonus 5: Consistency. Practice. Discipline. In the service of something good. It’s always healthy for the soul.
Alright. I fuckin’ hate taking pictures like this of myself. I think it’s borderline sleazy. But one reader wrote in saying he was ready to try out the PhaseFrame workout and Paleo eating if I was willing to post proof of what my body looks like. So in the service of better health…
Here you go. 35 years old. Three 10-20 minute workouts per week. And this is the day after puking my brains out from a flu virus. Still LGN (looking good naked). Not a beach body, but that’s not what I’m after. I just want to be a fit human being. And that’s what I am.
Photo below the fold:
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