Phase Frame

This is a message for you and her.

Your rules aren’t the only rules.

The major forces acting in any relationship are:

1) the universe (laws of nature, laws of attraction)
2) your particular goals and expectations
3) her particular goals and expectations

To you, the guy, I say this:

Honor #1
Fight like hell for #2
Support #3 if it doesn’t conflict with #1 or #2, and she’s making you a better man. But if they do conflict, don’t compromise. You gain nothing.

To her, the woman, I say this:

You want to be in a relationship with me? Then you’re going to make me a better man. It’s that simple. You demand that I compromise myself for you? Fuck you. Take your new age bullshit and feed it to some other guy. I don’t have time for it.

Now I’m not saying you haul off in anger at every little quibble. You’re a guy, you can deal with a little misbehavior. I’m talking about game changing stuff and patterns of action.

I’m inclined to agree with Lauryn Hill’s social critique in this song. In fact, I think it’s brilliant. Part of PhaseFrame is figuring out how to engage within a society that stands against our human nature in many ways. There are no easy answers. You do your best. Just don’t ever get sedated by the cheap thrills and non-stop dopamine fixes. Keep your soul vibrant.

As any parent knows, it’s not easy being a parent. I’m not going to gloss over that. It’s a lot of work. And a lot of frustration.

But the great thing about kids is that they have this wonderful, natural ability to wipe away all the adult pretense from your heart for moments, even hours, at a time. They can sweep you away. Take you to another, more enchanted place. Where disillusionment melts away. And the magic of the world reappears. Vividly. If only for a moment.

It’s totally worth it.

I didn’t have to ask you, just took my hand
Off we went skipping throughout the land
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Could not keep me from holding your hand

The lyrics on this song are excellent. I love this line:

Loving is fine if you have plenty of time
For walking on stilts at the edge of your mind

We see love fail all around us. We experience it. We try to figure it out. It drives us crazy. We wonder if it’s worth the insanity. Then we pivot. And it becomes a functional game….

Loving is good if your dick’s made of wood
And the dick left inside only half understood her

Women are looking to be satisfied on multiple levels. And the guy who satisfies her sexual desires often can’t satisfy her need to be understood and nurtured. I’d err on the side of remaining attractive without becoming her emotional nurse, and leave most of the “understanding” to her friends.

Loving is good if it’s not understood
Yeah, but I’m the professor

I can relate to these lyrics. Sometimes knowing how it all works screws things up, or deflates the overall pleasure of relationship.

Loving is fine if it’s not in your mind

Truer words have never been spoken.

Well I don’t know if I’m wrong
Cause she’s only just gone
Here’s to another relationship
Bombed by excellent breed of gamete disease
I’m sure when I’m older I’ll know what that means
Cried when she should and she laughed when she could
Here’s to the man with his face in the mud
And an overcast play just taken away
From the lover’s in love at the centre of stage yeah
Loving is fine if you have plenty of time
For walking on stilts at the edge of your mind
Loving is good if your dick’s made of wood
And the dick left inside only half understood her
What makes her come and what makes her stay?
What make the animal run, run away yeah
What makes him stall, what makes him stand
And what shakes the elephant now
And what makes a man?
I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know
No I don’t know you any more
No, no, no, no…
I don’t know if I’m wrong
‘Cause shes only just gone
Why the fuck is this day taking so long
I was a lover of time and once she was mine
I was a lover indeed, I was covered in weed
Cried when she should and she laughed when she could
Well closer to god is the one who’s in love
And I walk away cause I can
Too many options may kill a man
Loving is fine if it’s not in your mind
But I’ve fucked it up now, too many times
Loving is good if it’s not understood
Yeah, but I’m the professor
And feel that I should know
What makes her come and what makes her stay?
What make the animal run, run away and
What makes him tick apart from him prick
And the lonelier side of the jealousy stick
I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know
No I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know
No I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know
Hell I don’t know you any more
No, no, no no…
Well I don’t know if I’m wrong
‘Cause she’s only just gone
Here’s to another relationship
Bombed by my excellent breed of gamete disease
I finished it off with some French wine and cheese
La fille danse
Quand elle joue avec moi
Et je pense que je l’aime des fois
Le silence, n’ose pas dis-donc
Quand on est ensemble
Mettre les mots
Sur la petite dodo

I love the light, playful, celebratory vibe in this performance. It’s lightness 101.

Treat Your Woman Right
Soko

you love the world more than you love me
though you mean the world to me
today my world is collapsing
into the void of no return

every word that comes from your mouth
is just another sign
for me to let it go
but it takes so long
and I’m not so strong
and I miss your face everyday

you love your god more than you love me
though you’re a god to me
you’ve always wanted to protect me
but now you’re the one that hurt me

you talk to your wise men and they say
women are only here to distract
you from your path,
so follow your path
follow your track
follow your dreams
and let her down
you make big talks
and they equal
do what I say not what I do

you love yourself more than you love me
though I love yourself more than me
I let my ego drift away far so it won’t come back
but now I’m losing my way

you’re getting stuck
in your quest for fame, and women, and free love
and all your hippie theories
but don’t pretend to be all loving
if you can’t treat your woman right
’cause you didn’t treat your woman right

Come sail your ships around me
And burn your bridges down.
We make a little history baby
Every time you come around.
Come loose your dogs upon me
And let your hair hang down.
You are a little mystery to me
Every time you come around.

We talk about it all night long
We define our moral ground.
But when I crawl into your arms
Everything comes tumbling down.

Come sail your ships around me
And burn your bridges down.
We make a little history baby
Every time you come around.

Your face has fallen sad now
For you know the time is nigh
When I must remove your wings
And you, you must try to fly.

Come sail your ships around me
And burn your bridges down.
We make a little history baby
Every time you come around.
Come loose your dogs upon me
And let your hair hang down.
You are a little mystery to me
Every time you come around.

Come sail your ships around me
And burn your bridges down.
We make a little history baby
Every time you come around.
Come loose your dogs upon me
And let your hair hang down.
You are a little mystery to me
Every time you come around.

One thing I’ve found over the years that’s worth noting is that men and women tend to remember different things about sexual experiences.

Guys tend to be much more accomplishment oriented and remember the particulars: which positions have we done together? have i given her an orgasm via intercourse lately? did i make her moan the last time we had sex? did i put her into that out-of-mind state that women go into when they’re getting banged hard and fast etc. All of these things are concrete accomplishment oriented memories.

It’s harder for me to speak for women, but in my experience, women are more prone towards sexual amnesia about certain particulars that men are interested in (accomplishment oriented) and instead tend to remember the feel of the overall experience. Was it boring? Was it exciting? Was it sensual? Did it seem like he lusted after me? Did he smell good?

I’m not trying to say that one sex remembers the right things, and the other sex doesn’t. Both sexes are prone to sexual amnesia… we just focus on different things.

The point being: if a woman doesn’t remember something about your sexual history together, don’t let it phase you. It’s pretty natural for women not to focus on the same sort of accomplishment oriented goals that men focus on. Don’t take it as a lack of enjoyment or even a failure on your part. As long as she still wants sex with you, things are going well. Just make it your goal to excite her with the overall sexual experience. Make her feel desired. Lust after her. Dominate her. Be confident. Move her around. Take her places. She’ll remember.

Don’t expect your woman to be like a man:

[haunting a woman]

Rush of our bodies
In the heat of the night
All day the day after
Red in the skies

[wishing her well as the relationship fades out]

When they love you, and they will
Tell ‘em all they’ll love in my shadow
And if they try to slow you down
Tell ‘em all to go to hell

[the response to the fading out of love]

But you’re not mine to die for anymore
So I must live

I’m not telling you you need to be a hippy to be a man on fire. Probably better that you not be a hippy, unless you’re really into the wild, dirty, granola girls that I was into a while back.

So yeah, you don’t have to go hippy like Edward Sharpe but his song Man on Fire has a whole lot of primitive wisdom about what women are attracted to in a man:

- girls dig men who are passionate about something besides girls
- girls dig men who can dance
- girls dig men who play guitar
- girls dig men who are “light” and non-clingy
- girls dig men who seem to have the whole damn world at their “beck and call”
- girls want a man who can set them free
- girls like imagining two bodies in rapture like the burning sun
- girls like guys who are hard to pin down (mysterious)
- girls want an invitation: “come and dance with me”