Phase Frame

How to thrive as a man.

Archive for March 2012

The Friendship Paradox

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I’m one of those people who thinks that a man can’t “just be friends” with a woman that he’s attracted to. Not in the same way he can be friends with a woman he’s not attracted to. With a woman you’re not attracted to, you feel free to be yourself. You don’t feel the force of the ancient mating ritual. You’re just enjoying each other’s presence in a pure, noble, platonic kind of way.

With a woman that you are attracted to, there’s an internal force that’s driving you to do whatever needs to be done to procreate with that woman. And as much as you mentally fight that force, it will be there so long as you are attracted to her. And so long as you are not procreating with her, you will feel a sense of dissatisfaction and possibly even bitterness (if you’ve invested much time in her)

We all know this. But there’s a bit of a paradox here.

Attractive women want to feel normal. They don’t want to just be a pair of boobs and a hot ass.

They want interactions to be pure and innocent and fun. Not wrapped up in the little lies and peacocking that are such a deeply ingrained part of the mating ritual. Despite every instinct in your body, you have to give her the illusion that you’re not overwhelmed with her beauty.

The most attractive guy for an attractive woman is going to be the one who doesn’t put her up on a beauty pedestal or outwardly treat her as the hot thing she is. I mean, she wants that eventually, in privacy. But not when she’s first meeting you.

She wants you to make her feel good by making her feel normal and light and fun. The last thing she wants to be to you is eye candy (assuming she’s hot… less attractive women who don’t get much attention may respond better to flattery from the outset).

Of course she needs to demonstrate her value and show her physical assets to all potential mates and she will. But she doesn’t want to believe that that’s the reason you’re into her. She wants to believe she has more to offer. And she wants to believe that you’re “better” than the other guys in so far as you aren’t paralyzed and stupefied by her beauty (at least not outwardly!).

Here are a few rules on avoiding friendship as you try to enter into a relationship:

1. Be the initiator – invite her to join you in something you’re planning to do with or without her
2. Give yourself 30 days – either push things into a romance or get rid of her completely. Don’t hover in a “friendship” where you’ll feel anguish..
3. Avoid becoming just another “friend” by remaining scarce
4. Make her feel “normal” without becoming her “friend” – she should be feeling compelled to prove herself to you. That’s not something friends do.
5. Don’t tell her that she’s beautiful or hot unless she’s already naked – she’s heard that too often from others
6. Keep your texting and phone calling to a minimum. Don’t obsess.
7. Don’t be transparent with her. Don’t confess things to her. Don’t tell her you love her.
8. Show her that she can’t manipulate you. If she flakes, laugh it off and move on with your life. But let her feel consequences if she wants a second chance.

Written by James

March 30, 2012 at 8:13 pm

The Super Smoothie Recipe

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This is the ultimate smoothie. I’ve spent the last 3 years perfecting it. It’s more loaded with nutrients than your average meal. Plus it satiates. And it tastes great.

Adjust ingredients to taste.

1 cup frozen blueberries
1 cup frozen strawberries
1 12oz can of full fat coconut milk
1-2 scoops vanilla whey protein powder
1 cup of frozen spinach
1 scoop Trader Joe’s Super Red Drink Powder
1 scoop Trader Joe’s Super Green Drink Powder
1 can of water (it won’t blend without this)

You don’t even need ice.

What you get here is a great balance of vitamins, antioxidants, protein and fat to satiate. Plus you get a full cup of greens for the day.

I seriously get a high off this smoothie. No joking. I don’t know where it derives from, but I imagine it’s just my body saying “hell yeah, this is what I needed.”

Written by James

March 30, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Posted in Food

Using music to frame your attitude

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The human brain is an interesting thing. It is adaptive. It goes into different states of mind to engage different sorts of environments.

The way you feel and the energy you have at any given moment plays a big role in what you can accomplish. Or at least what you can accomplish well. A lot of this comes down to what you eat and how much sleep you get. But to a certain degree you can control your own state of mind, and improve your state of mind for accomplishing certain things.

For example, when you are approaching a girl during the day, you should have a loose, calm, confident and positive vibe. Your should feel light.

Read the rest of this entry »

Written by James

March 30, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Posted in Phase Frame

David Wong from is probably not getting enough sex, so he apologizes to women

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Mr. David “The White Knight” Wong. That’s what lame guys do.

But the article linked above is not all bad. There’s some insight there for sure. Civilizations do get built by men and for women. No deeper truth has ever been spoken. The problem is with the apologetic tone. And what he’s apologizing for (maleness). Ultimately, he’s pandering to women in order to drive traffic via Facebook (how Machiavellian of him). He may desperately need to get laid too.

Learn this lesson: if David Wong gets laid tonight, it’s not because he apologized (although make-up sex is often the best sex). It’s because he’s the senior editor at and hundreds of thousands of women now know that because he wrote an article that got shared by hundreds of thousands of people on FB.

Written by James

March 30, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Posted in Relationships

Why stretching is almost always a waste of time

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You ever see a lion limber up before it takes down a gazelle?

Written by James

March 28, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Posted in Health


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Watch the movie The Unbearable Lightness of Being. Or read the Wikipedia entry. Or if you’re old school, read the book.

Lightness is an important concept to be aware of if you’re going to attract and keep women. Women do not like guys who are serious all the time. And most women are not attracted to logic and reason. It turns them cold.

Most women want a guy who makes time stop for them. A guy who’s going to give them a good time. A guy who gives them a reason to laugh, or feel the fresh wind of a new experience.

Lightness is like spring. It’s the mindset “let’s go on a secret adventure, just the two of us, and have a blast together.” It’s the state of mind where the weight of the world goes away and everything seems perfect.

It’s the feeling you get after a major accomplishment, where you’re on top of the world and feel the glow of people admiring you. Professional athletes who win championships know this feeling. And some never get to experience it.

It’s the feeling you get at 2am in the morning in the back of your pickup truck looking up at the stars with the girl who’s had your blood pumping for the last three weeks … and yeah she’s lying next to you.

It’s the feeling you get when you look at your newborn son, and realize that nothing in life is better than this. This is the peak. The very best. And then you feel like screaming like a crazy man filled with joy.

It’s the feeling you get when you’re walking down the street and you see a perfectly blue sky and smell the new growth on the trees and experience a sense of gratitude swell up.

It’s the feeling you give to a girl when you’re walking down the street and you look into her eyes and smile with confidence.

It’s the feeling you get sitting around a bonfire with a bunch of friends.

Or the feeling you have standing in the middle of a parking lot late at night having a noble conversation with a good friend.

Or sitting in the bar with a bunch of buddies drinking beer and shooting shit.

It’s the feeling you get when the perfect beat plays on the radio and takes you with it.

It’s that feeling where time stops and all is well. Because it is.

Written by James

March 27, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Nice & Not Nice

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You might be confused. Afterall, you hear some women saying “where have all the nice men gone?” and you hear other women saying “he’s too nice, I’ve got to let him go before i hurt him.”

So what gives?

The fact is that women are using the word “nice” differently in both of these sentences and mean two completely different things.

Where have all the nice men gone?

When women say this, what they really mean is “Where have all the attractive men who don’t pump and dump gone?” They aren’t really looking for niceness (as you’ll see below). What they are actually looking for are guys who don’t use them simply for a quick fuck and then stop communicating with them. They are looking for guys they can admire and look up to and follow while simultaneously being attracted to. So if you want a good long term relationship, be that guy. Women want to admire you. They want to respect you. (Of course they also want you to ravish them in bed, but most of them want the whole package… on most nights).

He’s too nice, I’ve got to let him go before I hurt him.

In this case by nice she means “he’s weaker than me” – women are naturally inclined to be attracted to men who are stronger then them. Stronger mentally and physically. Someone they can depend on to protect them. So don’t be a pushover. Don’t feel like you’ve got to agree with everything they say. And don’t laugh at every joke they try to tell. In other words, don’t give her the responses you think she wants, but rather the responses you *actually* want to give. She’ll admire you for standing up to her or disagreeing with her sometimes.

Written by James

March 27, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Fingers Through the Hair

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There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.

Everyone changes moods. Everyone changes attitudes. Not everyone is in the right frame of mind for every type of human experience at every moment. The same goes for attraction.

Here are three main outward signals of attraction to be mindful of in women at which times she will be more open to your interactions with her:

1) She is showing more skin than usual
2) She is making positive eye contact (if she sustains with a smile or even looks away with a smile)
3) She is running her fingers through her hair

I want to focus on the last one.

It’s hard to differentiate types of finger running, because it doesn’t always indicate heightened interest. Some women just do it habitually. However, it can often be a sign of any of the following: boredom (she may be more open to a guy who can excite her at that moment), grooming (indicates that she’s trying to impress… I’d venture to say that for some girls, brushing fingers through the hair is a way of peacocking), lightness (lack of seriousness, open to letting time stop and being swept away by whichever guy in her proximity who is bold enough to do so).

90% of the time if she is moving towards you and runs her fingers through her hair, it is a display of attraction and part of her wants you to notice. If she’s making eye contact at the same time, it’s close to 100%. And it hits 100% if she smiles too.

Written by James

March 27, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Posted in Signals

5 minute workout primer

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Sometimes you wake up and need a natural boost to get the day going. Maybe that’s every day.

If you spend 5 minutes each day before work or class doing the following set of exercises, it’ll get the blood flowing in every major part of your body and you’ll feel better all day.

Run through the following series as quickly as you can for 5 minutes. As you get better, you’ll be able to do it faster. The important thing is that you keep it intense for the whole 5 minutes. Like a non-stop round of MMA.


1. 20 body weight squats (watch) or jump squats (watch here)
2. Max pushups
3. 20 sneaky lunges (watch)
4. Max pullups


1. Max burpees (watch)
2. 20 lunges (watch)
3. Max pullups

Yeah, I know, you’ve got to get a pullup bar. You may need to a chair at first too. Most people do. But work on it. First aim to get to 10. Then 20. Then 30. It’s a fun challenge and one you’ll feel great achieving.

Written by James

March 27, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Posted in Health, Phase Frame

The Human Nature Fallacy: Two Extremes

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“What is human nature?” It’s a simple question without an easy answer. But there are two extremes to avoid when addressing the question.

Extreme 1: Blank slate theory
Extreme 2: Rigid absoluteism

Let me explain what each of these views on human nature is and why they are mistaken.

Blank Slate Theory

This is the dominant theory about human nature in the West. It’s the idea that we completely define our own existence on our own terms. It is a view that denies any basic boundaries to human nature. It says you can be anything you put your mind to. It is the view that says there’s no right or wrong way to be human. Blank Slate Theory tells us that all roads are equally good roads. And that all diets are equally good diets. And that if our corporations make it, it must be fine for us to eat. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by James

March 27, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Posted in Nature