… has had a mad crush on Slim Shady.
Eminem is: Confident. Honest. Driven. Vulnerable. Passionate. Badass.
Sometimes, in love, you’ve got to say no. Even when it feels like you’re abandoning someone.
Unhealthy dependencies and failure to appreciate natural boundaries is cancerous to a relationship.
If someone you love puts you in the position of feeling like you have no good option, and yet they had a choice to make your burden less burdensome… you should ALWAYS deny their move.
Now, if your parents are in old age and become burdensome in their needs, you take on that burden. The Universe demands it.
If you have kids, and they have real needs, you take on that burden. The Universe demands it.
But sometimes your kids will try to manipulate your love for them and put you in compromising situations. Love demands that you say no.
And sometimes your friends will do the same. Again, love may demand that you say no.
It’s ok to say no to someone you love. As hard and painful as it may feel.
I used to set locks and passwords on my phones and computers. Because I was afraid of getting snooped on. I haven’t for a good 5-6 years now.
Setting locks and passwords kills my frame.
I don’t fucking want to be with a girl who snoops. So I give her every chance in the world to snoop. And if she does, I’m done with her. No second chances. Think of it as a shit test.
Guys who set passwords and walk on egg shells protecting their smartphone are in a defensive, hiding frame. It was a huge step for me to just say fuck it… to pull my cigar out, light it up, look up at the moon, and give the Universe a big flip of the bird.
The psychologist Dean Simonton, when considering why so many gifted children fail to live up to their early promise, suggested that it comes down to the children being rule followers. They are “too conventional, too obedient, too unimaginative.” They gain early success by playing by the rules and giving people what they want and they spend their whole lives doing just that. But that creates a derivative life. And places an artificial ceiling on possibilities.
There is an absurd disposition for kids who grew up in adverse conditions to either 1) end up incredibly successful (Presidents, Prime Ministers, Billionaires) or 2) end up in prison. Why? Because adverse conditions gave these people the freedom to not give a shit about consequences… take risks and break convention. Some chose to make smart risks and got lucky. Some chose to take bad risks, and got unlucky.
As a parent, there are two main take home points here:
1) Give your kids the freedom to take smart risks … to take those leaps … to experience the exhilaration of overcoming fear and failure … and to achieve
2) Teach your kids to break the rules sometimes… to break convention, to imagine possibilities that others dismiss
As a man, there are two main take home points:
1) Take smart risks
2) Be unconventional. Break the rules. Imagine ways of being that your society dismisses.
Using these two rules will make you a free man, and will also increase female attraction to your wild, untamed spirit.
Affective forecasting is basically the mental act of predicting how we are going to feel. And all the science bears out on one conclusion: human beings suck at affective forecasting.
The psychologist Stanley J. Rachman, for example, has done things like take a group of people terrified of snakes and then show them a snake. Or take a group of claustrophobics and have them in a small metal closet. What he finds is that the actual experience of the thing that was feared is a lot less scary than the person imagined. – Malcolm Gladwell, David and Goliath
Modern men are often paralyzed by fear. Fear of their children failing. Fear of their wives leaving or cheating. Fear of losing a job. Fear of losing social respect. But it’s this very fear that contributes to a man having his spirit crushed, and ultimately not living the life he wants and instead living a life dictated by the expectations and norms of others.
We are all of us not merely liable to fear, we are also prone to be afraid of being afraid, and the conquering of fear produces exhilaration… The contrast between the previous apprehension and the present relief and feeling of security promotes a self-confidence that is the very father and mother of courage. J.T. MacCurdy, The Structure of Morale.
The most successful men, whether you are talking about entrepreneurs like Warren Buffet or social revolutionaries like Gandhi, are the ones who have overcome the fear of being afraid. The ones who take risks for what they believe is right, even when there are plenty of naysayers standing in the way.
I’m reading Malcolm Gladwell’s book David and Goliath at the moment. Like usual, he’s a great story teller and raises some important hidden truths about life.
The point I want to focus on in this post is how challenges and even disadvantages can be beneficial. For example, about 30% of the world’s successful entrepreneurs are dyslexic. Why? Because the challenge of dyslexia necessitated the development of other useful skills that most people don’t develop.
So let me throw out a hypothesis: the very things that women find attractive about me in my 30′s are causally related to challenges, struggles, obstacles, etc. that I encountered when I was young.
So what are women attracted to in general?
Psychological maturity (preference for older men)
Women prefer men who are not easily phased by the ups and downs of life. They want a rock to stand against precisely because they know themselves well (emotional roller coasters who need a solid foundation). Men who have psychological maturity have had to weather storms in the past. And it’s the experience of having these challenges that have given them their current unphaseable perspective. It’s a learned trait that only comes with experience. And women have biological radars for this psychological trait.
Women prefer men who have an earned confidence. Earned confidence comes from a long series of life events that require a man to face reality and deal with it not with wishful thinking, but by taking action. As a man racks up more and more successes, through experience, he becomes more confident. But in the process of racking of successes, a man becomes more and more comfortable with the prospect of failing … because he knows he can recover. The fact is: confidence is almost always the end result of past failures overcome.
Most women prefer big and strong men (biological protection). While you can’t do much about your height or your frame, you can build strength. But most modern men never build this skill. And the ones who do usually have to struggle at the beginning. Especially those who became motivated to get strong in their mid to late 20′s because of a life challenge (declining health, trouble attracting the right kind of women, depression etc.)
While physicality is less important to women than men, it is still important. The mistake that men make is one of two extremes: either in thinking that women want a body building type physique or don’t care about the physical at all. What women are really attracted to when it comes to fitness is a baseline of health (shows in the skin) and firmness (seen and felt). I’ve found in my experiences as I’ve transitioned from an average American man with little fitness, to an extremely fit man who can run a Tough Mudder without much trouble, is that women respond most to a basic firmness … something which most men no longer possess. If you possess it, you stand out.
The most striking experience I’ve had over and over again (patterns… they matter) is the involuntary vocalization women almost inevitably make when first putting their her hands on my shoulders or triceps or ass. It’s a vocalization that expresses something like: “this is rare, and oh so good, so let me cherish it.” But fitness is not easy in today’s world. It takes a certain mental commitment to make it happen. It’s far easier to sit on the couch and watch ESPN. But in many cases, the necessity of commitment derives from a life challenge. Like a woman leaving you. Or depression. Or hitting rock bottom. Something that motivates a man to change himself.
If you look out at the manosphere at the guys who have become masters of seduction… I’d be willing to wager that most of them had a pivotal experience in their lives… a challenge… an obstacle… that caused them to dig their heals in, develop the skill of attraction, practice, fail, get up, and go at it again. And eventually, after a great deal of determined effort, they had developed a skill that 99% of Western men do not possess. A priceless skill (at least until you’re 70 or so) that most guys only dream of.
It’s the challenges of life that make us who we are, and cause us to focus, and become quality men. That’s what PhaseFrame is all about: becoming the best man you can be. Owning your world. Loving women by honoring female nature. Facing up to responsibilities as a man. And not apologizing for the man you want to be.
So embrace challenges as an opportunity to grow and become better. And never give up. Keep fighting. Until that last breath.
Many people dread the onset of winter and its corresponding psychological effects. Whether it’s just the winter blues or full-on SAD (seasonal affective disorder), life can become uncomfortable during the winter. Sluggishness. Lack of motivation. Depression. Numbness. The good news is that there are steps you can take to minimize the negative effects of less daylight on your health.
As someone who has struggled with SAD his whole life, here are ten things I use to manage my health in the winter:
1) Spend 20 Minutes Outside Every Day
Force yourself outside and maximize skin exposure to the sun. Even if this means a very brisk and bitter walk around the neighborhood, get out and do it. The best time is going to be between 1-3 in the afternoon when the temperature is warmest. Consider taking a walk immediately after lunch.
2) Five Minute, Intense Morning Workout
Workout A: Do 20 burpees. Pause 30 seconds. Do 15 burpees. Pause 30 seconds. Do 10 burpees. Pause 30 seconds. Do 5 burpees.
Workout B: Do 40 pushups. Do 40 jump squats. Do 30 pushups. Do 30 jump squats.
Workout C: Do 20 pullups. Do 40 dips. Do 20 pullups. Do 40 dips.
3) Take Vitamin D Supplements
One of the nutrients you don’t get as much of during the winter is Vitamin D. So make sure to supplement.
4) Eat more greens
I get my greens in with with a daily spinach salad (spinach + walnuts + Parmesan cheese) or a green smoothie. I find that eating greens provides a natural “clean” high and brightens my overall mood.
5) Minimize Grain Consumption
Grains provoke an inflammatory response in most people’s bodies (which compromises your immune system). They also trigger an insulin spike which is inevitably followed by a low that can magnify your winter blues and/or SAD. Minimizing grain consumption during the winter has the added side-effect of helping your body fend off sickness, because rather than putting energy towards the inflammatory response (and suppressing your immune system) your immune system stays in an optimal state.
6) Full Spectrum Lighting in Your Office
If you work inside like most people, consider replacing your incandescent lights with a more natural, full-spectrum lighting option. While it is no replacement for the sun, plenty of studies bear out that our bodies respond positively to a fuller spectrum light. Just as importantly, minimize darkness exposure. I used to have this bad habit of working in the dark with nothing but the light from my computer monitor. Making sure to keep some form of lighting on helps dramatically.
7) Maximize Social Contact
Winter blues and SAD both contribute to isolationism. Fight that instinct. Get out and have social interactions. Make sure you are getting quality human contact at least 3x a week.
8) Get Motivated
Take up a project that you can get excited about. Take up a new skill or hobby (Brazillian Jiu Jitsu!). Build something. Organize a new program at church. Volunteer at the local food bank.
9) Make Plans
Think about the next trip you’re going to take. Spend time doing research. Dream about white sand, blue water and warm, sunny beaches.
10) Achieve Early and Often
Every day, make a short list of quick and easy things that need to get done. Get them done. Start your day out with a few achievements. One of the biggest contributors to depression is feeling overwhelmed, stuck, trapped, etc. You can break free from that trap and feel good at the same time by quickly crossing out items on your to do list.
Bonus: Get involved in a competitive activity like church-league basketball. Having a fun competitive activity to look forward to weekly will kill multiple birds with one stone (physical activity, social interaction, achievement, etc.)
Every once in a while old memories of past relationships resurface out of the blue and this past week I was thinking about a relationship I had in my mid-20s with a younger girl who told me she had a sexual desire to slap me in the face.
I told her “If you were to do that to me, I’d spank the shit out of your ass. We’re not talking light. I’m going to inflict some real pain. So think about it before going off half-cocked.”
Probably the 6th or 7th sexual encounter with her, she was on top and she just hauled off and slapped me across the face. I proceeded to reach up and grab her throat with one hand and the back of her hair with another hand, turned her over, shoved her face into the bed, kept one hand pressing down on her neck and spanked the hell out of her ass. I told her to never do that again.
A few weeks later, she did it again. This time I grabbed her neck and slapped her across the face 10x harder than she slapped me while asking her “Did you hear what I said?” Then I bent her over and spanked her twice as hard and twice as long.
It didn’t work. For the rest of that relationship, she would periodically initiate this violence. And I would always respond harder and more violently than the time before. She was seeking it out. And I was thoroughly enjoying the chance to respond by dominating her that way.
I’m not sure there’s a moral to this story other than: in a sexual relationship, always make sure you’re ultimately the one in control. If she tries something to dominate you… you up the ante and turn the tables.
I’ve taken a lot of uncommon risks. Most of the good things in my life today are a result of risks I took that would probably surprise most people. Dropping out of grad school halfway through my disseration. Starting a business. Leaving what to most people would seem like a perfect woman due to her co-dependence and control issues.
The mind-hack: be comfortable with worst case scenarios. Don’t be paralyzed by the potential of loss.
When you take a smart risk, you are hedging your bets. But you are also able to be a realist about the possibility of failure. And you’re prepared for that possibility.
A dumb risk is one where the likelihood of failure is very high and the consequences irredeemable.
In relationships, I’d venture to say that you can never take a dumb risk if you’re basing your choices on what you want in life. She might leave you. But so what? That means she didn’t really care for you anyway. Why persist in misery? If there’s a dumb risk in relationships, it’s the risk you take by doing nothing. By being protective. By making your own identity too centered on the other person. Or operating in fear of that person leaving. And in the process killing yourself.
It’s a lot less risky for you and your relationship if you’re in charge. Too many guys out there are walking on eggshells thinking they need to win favor with their woman with roses and other forms of sucking up… and becoming a pushover. But really what men need to do is love themselves first. Be passionate. Take charge. Make the life they want.
And that’s what makes a woman attracted. A man who’s passionate. Accomplished. Walks to his own beat.
Sometimes the greatest risk is not taking any, and dying a slow death …. The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.